About Forgiveness

It was last year, after my miscarriage, when I went to church and in his sermon the priest mentioned about forgiving. My small family here (my husband and I), considered that sermon to be one of our family values. There are also several other things that we adopt to be values, but today I just want to share about forgiveness and happiness.

Forgiveness is simply not about declaring it to people you are angry with. But it is a journey.

God ask us to forgive our friends, family, or even people we don't know well for what they have done that hurt us. When we hurt, the negative feelings (such as sad, angry, rejection) create a place in our heart, and stay there. The question is, how to wipe off these feelings? There are quick answers that we would have in mind, in example "forgive the one(s) who hurt you", "time will heal", or the best answer might be "God will heal"

Sure, God will heal, time will heal, and by forgiving, heart will be healed by itself.
The thing is it won't happen in a clap.

Forgiveness is a journey. And I believe, God know and will not force us to give our forgiveness right away because we are human and we have limitation.
We also cannot ask God to give a forgiveness heart if we still keep the hurts inside. We need to let go the hurts, which we have to realise that God did not put them in our hearts at the first place.

Work with God everyday. If it is too hard to forgive, simply ask for happiness. And actually, we do not have to ask, just open our hearts, because God give happiness in various forms into our lives everyday. We just need to accept it. In Math, if we keep add positive numbers to negative ones, at some point the negative numbers will change to positive.

We might cannot get rid off the hurts or hate easily. But by adding happiness and love in our hearts, little by little everyday, hurts and hate will be vanished. And when they're gone, we find that we have forgiven the one(s) who gave the hurts.

Again, it won't happen in a clap. It's a long journey. We can assess this journey every once in a while, just so we know where we stand in the journey. If we still can feel the hurts, we know that we have not reached the end of the journey.

Not to forget, there are people on the other side. Sometimes it makes it harder when we are hurt by someone, but still has to work everyday with this someone. Sometimes, distance makes it easier to heal ourselves and forgive.
Of course, some great people can work this out. But when we realise that the hurts are still growing when we're with the source, it is not wrong to take distance. In this case, we can try to build a healthier relationship again with the source of our hurts in order to assess our hearts. If we can still feel the hurts, we might consider to step back again, and work with our own hearts, as I stated above.

Is it a self-centered way? Some people might find that it is a self-centered way. But again, how can we love, if we are not fulfilled with love?


Melbourne, 21/11/2009 / 10:01am

Bad Things Happen

Verdi was my best friend. His mum was my mum's best friend too. They were best friends like forever. Just like me and Audrey.

My mum was devastated when Verdi's mum passed away last year. I was also devastated, because she was one of my lifetime favourite aunty. And also because Verdi is my bestie. I was not in Jakarta at that time, so I cannot offer to comfort him.

Three days ago, my mum rang me, saying Verdi has also passed away. I am still unsure about what kind of illness he suffered from. But I feel like I do not want to know. It's sad enough to hear the news. I'm thinking of his dad. Verdi was his parents only son. How's the old man doing now...? I have to go to see him once I get to Jakarta.

This morning, my husband got an SMS from his bestie. It said that the friend has a tumour in his lungs. My husband is still upset now, because he just knew this.

When someone close to ourselves spill their good news to us, most of the time we will spontaneously feel happy for them. But it always takes time to learn the news when it's about bad things.
It is going to be like we stuck in the middle of confusion with million questions buzzing in our heads.

We need to pull back ourselves by realising that things happen. No matter how hard we try to stick in that moment with those million questions, the universe keeps making us move.We need to go with that flow. To keep us sane.

Tired

It's been a tiring day for us. One of my best friends passed away this morning. His mom was my mom's best friend too. She has passed away earlier, not long ago. Thus this is a very sad moment for my family.

Amadeo and I are also still learning to dance together in breastfeeding. We went to see lactation consultant again today. Funny thing is we can do everything beautifully there. At home we're still struggling and juggling between breast and bottle. But we'll get there. I won't give up, I keep trying 2-3 times a day, no matter how much soar I feel. Sometimes I just can't bear it. So I took a break. But determine to try again. I believe we'll get there.

Anyway, now I feel like having a long bath. But I'm also very sleepy and tired. I'm going to express some milk and call the day.

Nighty night Melbourne..

Fair

At this stage, it feels unfair to have another baby after Amadeo.

We've been through so many things. A complicated pregnancy, an emergency cesaerian, four weeks in Newborn Intensive Care Unit, incubator, lots of blood sugar checks, photo-therapy, tube, bottle, nipple shield, bottle, baby-led-attachment, mum-led-attachment, follow-me-mum attachment, and the hardest part will be living separately from his dad.

My husband and I feel like it's not fair at all to bring another issue in Amadeo's life. All we want now is go through everything else, and jump to the other side of story.

Brave Me.

I am brave enough now to use my name as my blog url.

Since 8 years ago, I've been blogging using many blog names. I don't know why. Oh and I also will be inconvenient whenever people start to know about me. I feel like hiding.
And yes, that was what I did.

I keep changing blog, changing name, making sure that it won't appear in any search engine. But in this very day, I think it's stupid. Why I need to hide?

So here I am.
Brave me.